Sad things happen and then life sucks

Been a hot minute so thought I would throw this out there. 

Christmas depresses me and here is why.

The holidays come and go, but Christmas is the hardest for my family. 

My father passed away on Christmas morning. That is a hard hit to get over. He was in the hospital at the beginning of December 2012 and right up to Christmas day. 

I'm not saying the doctors didn't do their best, it was just past the point of what they could do.

So, I am going to relive this moment, as I do, every Christmas. So much so I don't even enjoy the actual holiday anymore. I mean, I put up a tree, because that does bring me joy, I have a beautiful tree. 

So, as I remember the worst day of my life goes like this-

Christmas morning, I wake up first at home, before the kids even, which is rare for a Christmas morning, but I lay there and wait for the kids to stir. I think about the night before, the whole family spending Christmas Eve in the hospital waiting room, which became a camp out place from day one when dad got admitted. Not one day went by where at least one of my family members were not in this room. It was too a point we knew nurse's names and schedules. So, I hear Child #1 first, up and straight into her sister's room. WAKE UP! ok, so at that point, I start to get up and go downstairs, make some coffee and sit down on my couch. I take a sip and the phone rings. I just calmly sit my cup down and look at my husband. He answers and before the conversation is up, I'm heading upstairs to get dressed. 

He talks to the kids and explain, we got to go the hospital and presents will have to wait for a little bit. No one speaks in the car. Kids are probably mad or disappointed, I get it. But they are calm, not crying or whining. Almost like they understand the situation.

We get to the hospital, everyone is waits in the waiting room, my mother, sisters and brother and I are escorted to a separate room. (never a good sign) There the doctor starts speaking of heart attacks, difficulty getting a rhythm and breathing issues, and brain activity.

I stop listening. My brain wonders into this memory, fishing, backyard BBQs, Easter dinners, and Christmas mornings. Thats when my brain says, its Christmas and he is dying today.

I then come back to the moment and actually hear what is being said. My mother sobbing, my sister holding her, my brother holding my other sister, and I look and see my mom's hand holding mine. 

They are going to shut off the machines that are keeping him alive, today, on Christmas. We go out to family waiting for us, husbands, wives and children. for the first time since he was put in the hospital, we all cram into the room to stand by his side and say our goodbyes. 

They shut off the machines. My husband and my sister's husband remove the children first. Which was good. My brother was next, and then 1 sister. My oldest sister and I are there with mom, just standing. Listening. Waiting. My sister then tells me we should leave and give mom a moment. I touch my father's hand one last time, say i love you and leave. 

I feel like I was in a fog. Did this just happen? Today? Families celebrating and together and happy and here we are, hot fucking mess of tears and sobs, nervous smoking and pain. 

After that, we went home, I think the kids opened presents, I really don't remember anything after that until I was asked to help with funeral stuff. Crazy how that is. I don't remember getting in the car, eating anything, going to the bathroom, for days, nothing.... just I was there, and I wasn't. I am thankful for my husband for stepping in and being what I needed and couldn't at the time. Forever grateful for him. 

So, enjoy your holiday, Your BBQs. Your any day you get with family for any reason. You just won't know until you don't have them anymore. They may annoy the shit out of you, but trust me, one day, you will miss them.

These days I am 500 miles from family, but it doesn't mean I love them less, I miss them more and cherish that time I do get with them. I just wish that every Christmas my brain would not relive this moment. I don't want to forget, but I do. Now, the closer the day approaches, I dream this moment every night. Some things are different. The kids aren't little, but still there, Mom is older, some family or ex family isn't there anymore. But it is that moment. 

Not everyone can understand. You may have lost a parent, but to lose a parent on a holiday, sucks big ass donkey balls man. I just want to get through one damn Christmas without tears. But that's not in the cards for me. 

Wow, this post is depressing. If you read this and your mad, sad, or a little glad it hasn't happened to you, that's cool too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

My husband has lost both his parents too, close to holidays as well, so I know he understands. And I'm sure the pain resurfaces from time to time for him as well, but you know guys don't like to show us their weakness. I want to be a tough chick, but inside this rough witchy bitchy body is a just a person. Damn these feelings.

Dad, I love you. 

 Not Yours, but truly

*D*

September, is it fall yet?

 Hey ya'll, I don't know if you understand, but I LOVE FALL WEATHER!!

It's not hot or cold, unless you live in the south like me then you settle for any day in the 80s to be "cool fall weather". 

The colors are pretty, the bugs die, I can wear jeans every day and not get swamp ass.

And I just like the fall decor better than summer stuff. 

Soups and chili, hot apple ciders, yea, I love Fall.

Octoberfest are so fun. Just seeing all the culture celebrated is so great. Pumpkin patches are adorable. 

Of course, I don't get to go to many pumpkin patches, since my kids are grown and no grandbabies live near me, I do miss out on this. It seems odd to go when you don't have kids in tow. But I guess I shouldn't care what people think. 

But oh well. Break out the fake fall leaves, the spice smelling candles, the pumpkins and gourds, 

I am ready to decorate for fall!

Not yours, but truly 🍁🍂

*Dixie*

August, a hot month of love

 Ya'll. It's hot. August in the south is like a deep fryer and you're a sad lil nugget floating in that shit.

I am not a summer person at all. Fall and Winter. I can deal with Spring, but the pollen part. 

But this is also the month that I married my husband. 28 yrs ago. I was just a youngin!

I remember waking that day to rain outside. But the clouds cleared, and hot 90-degree day began. I remember thinking, is it really that hot or is it my nerves. And that 20 lb wedding dress. Or that's how it felt. 

But even through the heat and uncomfortable clothing, the nerves, I was ready to marry him. I loved him. I knew that. He made me laugh; he made me feel special. 

We have had a rough patch or two, just like all relationships, but even now, 28 long years later, I love that man. 

He makes me crazy, me makes me worry, he makes me laugh, and makes cry. 

But he is mine. And I don't want another. 

So, to my hubs, I love you so much. 

Yours Truely, but really his, 

*Dixie

Family Ties

 So, I took a trip up North to visit family and return my granddaughter to her mother.

My granddaughter spent some summer weeks with us, and we enjoyed having her. 

But then the 9-hour road trip to return happened. The beautiful mountains of Tennessee were covered with thunderstorms which make for a very anxious drive. Kentucky finally cleared up from those clouds as well. 

I always cherish visits with my mom, she is the only parents I have left.  

It's hard as you age and see your grandparents, and parents come to the end of life. 

My hubs have lost both his parents, his father years back and mother just in recent. 

So, any time I get with mom is cherished. I wish she could come here more. I know it's hard since we live 500 miles away. But it's doable. But at her age, I fear she finds it hard to travel. I would want her to be able to relax and not worry or suffer. 

So, of course when I go to visit, its pure chaos. My Neice and her kids are playing doing kid things, my granddaughter joins in the noise, my sisters and brother all talk too loud at each other over the kids and the TV, but you know I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I don't mind kids playing. I don't care for screaming and 10 nosiest toys at the same time, but they are precious. And only children once. 

So, if you have your parents, be thankful. Hug them. Say i love you. It's never enough times. 

Not yours, but truly    

*Dixie*

Opps I fell in love

 Greetings anyone who takes the time to read this stuff. No one does I'm sure, but this is mainly for my benefit anyway.

So, running weekend errands and the pet store was a stop needed. Damn fish tanks. So needed a bigger tank brush to clean glass. And I have to pee, so I was heading back to find the restroom and pass the kitty prisons. Well normally I stop and gush over cuteness but this time, I was sucked in. 

There she was, a tiny kitten, standing up on the glass, and that was it, before I realized what happened, I got tears in my eyes and my heart aches. Now, my hubby walks up on me and had that look of, oh shit, and I showed him the kitten and he looked at my crying face and next thing i know, he is filling out paperwork. 

I came back from the bathroom, and he said the store worker was getting the info and then I'm back in tears. 

So, here I sit, with this kitten. My 2 older cats are not happy. The dogs are curious, but she is frightened, so she hisses at them and they back away. Like that last thing I needed was another animal. Dogs, cats, fish. I just cannot help myself. 

She is sweet tho, so far, anyway. She could grow into the spawn of Satan. You never know. Until now, I will try to teach her that the dogs are just larger furry family members. Every animal gets along in this house so far. So, let's just hope this will be the same after time for adjustment. 

Not Yours, but truly,

*Dixie*

Holiday are just workdays

 Let's be honest. Holidays are still workdays; you just do different work. 

You still got to get up and get dressed and go somewhere. I mean if its 4th of July, somebody is cooking out, if not you, and that still mean work. Meal prep if you are visiting someone's house or if you were stupid enough to invite people to your house, well now, you have the whole gambit to go thru. Cooking and cleaning. Is the toilet clean, extra TP in the bathroom and don't forget the air freshener when the baked beans kick in. Oh, did you clean the grill, have enough ice, are the throw pillows back on the couch so it looks like you never sit there. Is the air on for people who can't sit outside too long. Every bug in the neighborhood will be in your house with as many times as people are coming in and out. Gonna need to WD40 that sliding door. Spills, spills, spills. If its outside ok, but it's never outside, is it. 

We would as a family go to my aunt & Uncle's house, they had a pool, more work, so the kids swam and adults chat, and we grill and eat. Good luck getting kids out of pool to eat. Then they are starving at 11pm cuz they didn't eat all day. Now, this trip meant, not only do I have to bring over the required pitch in dish and my family's meat to grill, now I have to haul chairs, never enough chairs, towels, pool toys, extra bag of shit for the kids clothes to go in when they finally do emerge from the depths, and usually a cooler to supply my ever thirsty children with drinks they can't seem to drink at anyone else's house. and maybe a few drinks for mom, alcoholic and non. 

As an adult now, I do appreciate my aunt & Uncle for putting up with all of us. And I was always respectful in her home. I didn't clog the toilet, or let wet kids sit on furniture. I was brought up with manners and spankings, so I know. 

Thanksgiving, same thing, but no pool and more cooking and you are expected to help do dishes.

Christimas is no better, its worse really, now you have to be indoors the whole time cuz its winter and nice to people! and dress up in your Christmas clothes, so you can't just lounge in shorts and tank tops. 

Joy. isn't it. 

Which is why as an adult now, I don't care for visitors much. I like my home, if i want you to come over i will invite you, but a party like that, gives me anxiety to the max.

So, this full hearted THANK YOU goes out to all the family members out there that open their homes and throw these cookouts, bonfires, Christmas parties, baby showers, birthdays, Easter dinner, Thanksgiving, New Years, whatever celebration! 

Not yours, but truly, 

Dixie

Lets Blow shit up for Merica!!!

 Happy 4th y'all!

I have no issues with people letting their paycheck explode in the sky. 

Yes, my dogs don't like it, my cats could give a shit. Its midnight and you still have some left. So, what. 

Just don't burn my house down or catch the neighborhood on fire. Or I'm going to get upset.

You know it's on 1 day tho right? Tuesday. The 4th. Not Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday...cuz I think so of you can't read your calendar. Ha ha, oh well.

So, the holiday on Tuesday means my work was nice and gave us Monday off as well. 

Everyone is like YAY! 4-day weekend, I'm like YAY, 2 days of work to catch up on when I get back and of course everyone will be busy and bugging so it will make it extra hard. But that's cool. Yep. Go with the flo, don't get stressed, everything is fine. That how i get thru my crazy days. Sometimes it works like a charm. Other times I'm bitching to my bestie, and she be all supportive and shit, and bitching too. So thankful for her.

And of course, it's hot as Satan's butthole and Mother Nature is on mood swing. Let the sun shine on baby, until you have plans outside, then I'm fixing to dump as much rain on you as I can that you think it's the rainforest or a hurricane, oh and for some extra fun, let's throw in a tornado warning or two, and when it's all done the humidity will be unbearable that you look like you ran a marathon while checking the mail. 

I AM NOT A SUMMER PERSON. Let's get that straight. Sweat is gross, unless its produced doing something fun, and even still, eww a little.

I recently made a brief stop in myrtle beach. Then I remembered I hate sand as well, LOL 

But it was for a 1 day. So, I survived. maybe I don't like summer because I burn like in 30 seconds of a sunbeam hitting my skin. Clearly, I was born white skinned and meant to stay that way. I don't look good in red, skin or clothes.

I wore a red shirt once and I swear I looked like the Kool-Aid man. I hate being fat. 

I do enjoy the summer evenings, unless the humidity is still high, and then the humidatitties sets in. Boob sweat, blah! But it's nice to watch the fireflies twinkle in the yard, listen to the crickets, I love nighttime sounds. 

So, early in the morning i sit with my coffee on my porch and listen to the cicadas outside knowing it going to be soooo much hotter soon so I enjoy while I can. Enjoying my "day off", cuz I have shit to do and I won't be relaxing all day. 

So, happy 4th, we too cool for British Rule, so blow some shit up. 

Not yours but truly, 

Dixie