Been a hot minute so thought I would throw this out there.
Christmas depresses me and here is why.
The holidays come and go, but Christmas is the hardest for my family.
My father passed away on Christmas morning. That is a hard hit to get over. He was in the hospital at the beginning of December 2012 and right up to Christmas day.
I'm not saying the doctors didn't do their best, it was just past the point of what they could do.
So, I am going to relive this moment, as I do, every Christmas. So much so I don't even enjoy the actual holiday anymore. I mean, I put up a tree, because that does bring me joy, I have a beautiful tree.
So, as I remember the worst day of my life goes like this-
Christmas morning, I wake up first at home, before the kids even, which is rare for a Christmas morning, but I lay there and wait for the kids to stir. I think about the night before, the whole family spending Christmas Eve in the hospital waiting room, which became a camp out place from day one when dad got admitted. Not one day went by where at least one of my family members were not in this room. It was too a point we knew nurse's names and schedules. So, I hear Child #1 first, up and straight into her sister's room. WAKE UP! ok, so at that point, I start to get up and go downstairs, make some coffee and sit down on my couch. I take a sip and the phone rings. I just calmly sit my cup down and look at my husband. He answers and before the conversation is up, I'm heading upstairs to get dressed.
He talks to the kids and explain, we got to go the hospital and presents will have to wait for a little bit. No one speaks in the car. Kids are probably mad or disappointed, I get it. But they are calm, not crying or whining. Almost like they understand the situation.
We get to the hospital, everyone is waits in the waiting room, my mother, sisters and brother and I are escorted to a separate room. (never a good sign) There the doctor starts speaking of heart attacks, difficulty getting a rhythm and breathing issues, and brain activity.
I stop listening. My brain wonders into this memory, fishing, backyard BBQs, Easter dinners, and Christmas mornings. Thats when my brain says, its Christmas and he is dying today.
I then come back to the moment and actually hear what is being said. My mother sobbing, my sister holding her, my brother holding my other sister, and I look and see my mom's hand holding mine.
They are going to shut off the machines that are keeping him alive, today, on Christmas. We go out to family waiting for us, husbands, wives and children. for the first time since he was put in the hospital, we all cram into the room to stand by his side and say our goodbyes.
They shut off the machines. My husband and my sister's husband remove the children first. Which was good. My brother was next, and then 1 sister. My oldest sister and I are there with mom, just standing. Listening. Waiting. My sister then tells me we should leave and give mom a moment. I touch my father's hand one last time, say i love you and leave.
I feel like I was in a fog. Did this just happen? Today? Families celebrating and together and happy and here we are, hot fucking mess of tears and sobs, nervous smoking and pain.
After that, we went home, I think the kids opened presents, I really don't remember anything after that until I was asked to help with funeral stuff. Crazy how that is. I don't remember getting in the car, eating anything, going to the bathroom, for days, nothing.... just I was there, and I wasn't. I am thankful for my husband for stepping in and being what I needed and couldn't at the time. Forever grateful for him.
So, enjoy your holiday, Your BBQs. Your any day you get with family for any reason. You just won't know until you don't have them anymore. They may annoy the shit out of you, but trust me, one day, you will miss them.
These days I am 500 miles from family, but it doesn't mean I love them less, I miss them more and cherish that time I do get with them. I just wish that every Christmas my brain would not relive this moment. I don't want to forget, but I do. Now, the closer the day approaches, I dream this moment every night. Some things are different. The kids aren't little, but still there, Mom is older, some family or ex family isn't there anymore. But it is that moment.
Not everyone can understand. You may have lost a parent, but to lose a parent on a holiday, sucks big ass donkey balls man. I just want to get through one damn Christmas without tears. But that's not in the cards for me.
Wow, this post is depressing. If you read this and your mad, sad, or a little glad it hasn't happened to you, that's cool too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
My husband has lost both his parents too, close to holidays as well, so I know he understands. And I'm sure the pain resurfaces from time to time for him as well, but you know guys don't like to show us their weakness. I want to be a tough chick, but inside this rough witchy bitchy body is a just a person. Damn these feelings.
Dad, I love you.
Not Yours, but truly
*D*
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